


The Joint Message

by mandybrooke27



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angel & Demon Interactions, Angel/Demon Relationship, Arguing, Aziraphale and Crowley Live Together (Good Omens), Aziraphale and Crowley in Love (Good Omens), M/M, Married Couple, Multi, Other, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 14:57:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20342020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandybrooke27/pseuds/mandybrooke27
Summary: After Armageddon is averted, Crowley and Aziraphale decide to move in together. Crowley convinces Aziraphale to create a joint voicemail message for their new flat. This is the transcript of a few of their attempts to get their message exactly right.





	The Joint Message

**Author's Note:**

> With much love to Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, David Tennant, and Michael Sheen for these wonderful, magical characters and their ineffable love story.

The threat of Armageddon was behind them. Life on Earth returned to normal—or as normal as life _could_ return to given the events of the preceding week.

After much tempting and a bottle or two of Chateauneuf du Pape, Crowley convinced Aziraphale they should move in together. Aziraphale conceded, but only if they found a decent sized flat that would accommodate both his prized book collections and Crowley’s tallest houseplants. They eventually settled on a lovely walk-up in Soho close to Aziraphale’s bookshop with plenty of light and a nearby line to St. James’s Park.

Once everything was in its place, Crowley suggested they record a joint message on their flat’s voicemail. Aziraphale loathed the idea. He had standards of propriety, after all, which didn’t include the use of these new-fangled telephonic devices.

“Hey, if we’re going to live in the mundane world as mundanely as possible, we need to fit in,” Crowley said. “You might get calls about your new magician’s business or some old book or other. You don’t want to miss those now, do you?”

Aziraphale heaved a great sigh and rolled his eyes. “Fine. I’ll do it. But you owe me lunch at the Ritz once this is over.”

For your benefit, Dear Reader: A transcript of a few of their many attempts at recording a voicemail message together:

Take One:  
_Please record your message after the tone. BEEP_  
C: Hullo. You’ve reached the voicemail—  
A: Wait. What time of day is it?  
C: [pauses] What?  
A: What time of day is it when they’re calling us?  
C: It doesn’t really matter. And it doesn’t exactly work that way. Look, we need to—  
A: But it _does_ matter. It’s only polite to wish someone a good morning or a good afternoon—  
C: Angel, we need to leave the message before it stops recording.  
A: But I want to get it right. We should probably leave several messages, actually. One for the morning, one for teatime, one for late evening—  
C: Angel.  
A: Oh, wait. What if they don’t speak English?  
C: _Angel._  
A: We should have one that starts with “Bonjour!”. Or “Buenos Dias!”. Or “Konnichi wa!”. Or—  
C: AZIRA—  
_BEEP_

Take Three:  
A: Hullo. You’ve reached the voicemail of A. Z. Fell.  
C: And Anthony J. Crowley. You know what to do.  
A: [pauses] Wait. What?  
C: I said, “You know what to do.” Meaning, they know what to do after the beep.  
A: But . . . what if they _don’t_ know what to do?  
C: Of course, they do! They’re human. They all know what to do after the beep.  
A: But what if they’ve never made a call before and don’t know what voicemail is used for? Or what if they’re a sentient life form not of the Earth? We should leave explicit instructions for them.  
C: No, Angel. We do not need to leave explicit instructions.  
A: I think we do.  
C: [growls in demon]  
_BEEP_

Take Twenty-Seven:  
A: Hullo. You’ve reached the voicemail of A. Z. Fell.  
C: And Anthony J. Crowley.  
A: We cannot take your call right now, because we are away from the flat at the moment.  
C: So, if you could leave your—  
A: Actually, that may be a lie. We may still be in the flat. I could possibly be in the other room immersed in a book and didn’t hear the telephone.  
C: Angel.  
A: Or perhaps I’m working at the bookshop, and Crowley’s in the back yelling at his plants.  
C: Aziraphale, can we just—  
A: _Or_ we are both home but are too drunk to recognize the sound of the telephone. You know, sometimes I think it sounds rather like those celestial bells we used to have in Heaven. The ones Gabriel liked to—  
_BEEP_

Take One Hundred Sixty-Five:  
C: Hullo, you’ve reached the voicemail of Anthony J. Crowley.  
A: And A. Z. Fell, Bookshop Owner and Magician Extraordinaire!  
C: [pauses] Really?  
A: Well, shouldn’t we let the caller know who they’re calling? We can’t exactly say, “Hullo, you’ve reached the voicemail of an Angel and a Demon,” now can we?  
C: But-but we don’t have to say anything else at all! They’re just leaving a message for us.  
A: I know, but I want to make certain the caller knows _who_ exactly they’re leaving a message for. There could be any number of A. Z. Fells in London. Or Anthony J. Crowleys, for that matter. I would hate for them to leave their message with the wrong machine.  
C: [snarls in demon] ANG—  
_BEEP_

The Winner:  
C: Just read what we wrote, okay?  
A: [clears throat] Hullo, you’ve reached the voicemail of A. Z. Fell.  
C: And Anthony J. Crowley.  
A: We are so sorry we cannot answer the telephone right now.  
C: So, leave your name, number, and a brief message.  
A: And we’ll return your call in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.  
C: [pauses] Or not.  
A: [sighs exasperatedly in angel]  
_BEEP_


End file.
